This past week has been tough. There were moments when… reality hit HARD. Monday night was the first night that my dad took chemo. Right before he was about to take the pill he said, “I’m ready to poison myself.” How terrible is that saying? Being as stubborn as I am, someone would have to strap me down and shove those pills down my throat. But instead, I saw a different side of my dad… a side that I have never seen before. It wasn’t the normal Owen, the crazy, loud, happy side, but a side that was so gentle, patient, and humble. Standing from a distance, and observing (Mother’s orders… can’t be close to the poison) I was so confused. He was sitting there in silence; head bowed looking at the pills. All I was thinking was TAKE IT NOW! THE ANXIETY IS UNBEARABLE. As blonde as I am, for a moment I thought if he took it quickly, something crazy would happen. Like he would instantly be healed, But then I realized…. it is a LONG process. And then…. he took the pills… three small ones and one big one.
It went well until 1 am. That was when my dad had his head over the toilet. Thank goodness they gave him some “MAGICAL” anti-nausea pills that instantly took away the sickness. The next day, I got caught up in thinking… how is my dad finding the strength to get himself through this? He explained to me that on Monday morning, the morning of chemo and radiation, my brother gave him a verse, 1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety upon Him because he cares for you.” He went on saying that when he was going through radiation he mediated on that verse. When he was about to take chemo, while his head was bowed, he meditated on that verse. And when he was about to throw up, what did he do?… meditated on that verse. In the midst of this crazy storm, the only thing that was on his mind was JESUS.
This morning after I went on a beautiful run, I just sat there and listened to worship music. I’ll let you in on a little secret. A little sneak peek into the mind of Ciara Carter. Whenever I want to go to my “HAPPY PLACE“, my place of peace, I picture myself laying in a field of yellow flowers talking to Jesus. Jesus said to me this morning…”Cancer will not define your family. Your identity is in me, the only name that will define you.” We don’t belong to this group of “Cancer families”. We aren’t just “The Carter family”… We are “THE LORD’S“.
You know when you get married and the bride takes the groom’s name? SPOILER ALERT– We are the Lord’s bride. We now take on his name, “THE LORD’S“. Names define us; that is how we are categorized. Sorry, but another SPOILER ALERT– One day, there will be a wedding! That day will be so wonderful. That will be the day we will finally get to see our beloved. There will be no more chaos, no more pain, no more sorrow; just the presence of being in front of my GOD. Revelation 21:4 says,‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
I was a mess this morning. This verse brought me to tears thinking about how I will see my king one day, and he will bring me out of this STORM. My true love, my knight and shiny armor, will come for me, and REDEFINE me.